Yesterday the whole family here got involved in the house move for the family of the lad who spends so much time out here. They aren't the best organized bunch and started the day with nothing packed. They have been living in emergency accommodation for several weeks now, with the bulk of their possessions in one of our sheds. That at least was packed. Bro and nephew put half of it on the big tandem trailer and we all waited for a call from SiL to say they were in the new place and the doors were open.
1700 came and went....
In the end we drove to the new place, where nephew and I unloaded furniture onto the patio whole Bro went and fetched the keys. The moving family had decided they needed to stop packing and make and eat a formal meal. SiL was with them tearing her hair out trying to get their 'emergency' belongings into my van and get them out of the motel before they incurred another night charge.
Bro came back in my loaded van with the lad on board. Bro and nephew went away to get a second trailer load from the farm shed while 10 year old lad and I carried the first load indoors and emptied the (full to the gunnels) van into the new house. To give him his dues, that kid works like a Trojan and continued to do so until a box of his toys turned up on the second trailer load. Then he lost focus, but I guess that's allowed.
His Mum and 2 teenage sisters eventually turned up with SiL and the 14 year old sister helped carry beds into the house. Mum and the 18 year old just stood around looking shell-shocked. All they seemed concerned about was that they had no WiFi.
Seriously? Their fridge hadn't been cleaned before it went into storage (yuck), their bedding was in big bundles on the living room floor, there were boxes 'all over the shop', the kitchen was buried under a landslide of food and small appliances and they had time to complain that wifi hadn't been connected for them.
It is brand new, never before used, social housing. 4 bedrooms, private garden, decent shed, off-street parking, fresh as fresh inside and all they could find to say about it were negative things - like they didn't like the gates, or the sliding door was a bit heavy....and the WiFi wasn't connected. There is simply no pleasing some people. In the position they had got themselves into I would have been ecstatic to have been so well provided for by the State. (They lost their previous private rental because of damage done, lost their bond and will have a bad tenant reference following them around.)
We hope their chaotic lives will begin to stabilise and that they will begin to see some benefits of trying to connect with their local community.
Social housing tenants here are encouraged to have a pet of some sort and the whole family has decided they want a rabbit. It's all stuff that helps settle disrupted kids and we hope they do settle at last.
I have arranged for the 14 year old to this weekend interview the manageress of a local doggie daycare and boarding kennels with a view to volunteering there a couple of hours per weekend until she has improved her confidence around dogs. She wants to love them (helps me walk Fergus from time to time and nearly wet herself with excitement when we went to the dog park and there were about a dozen small dogs tearing about). However she is more focused on cuteness than the reality and responsibilities of dog ownership. Cleaning a few water bowls, changing bedding, and cleaning up some of the less savory expulsions of our k9 friends might caste cuteness in a completely different light. She needs to learn to be less tentative around dogs. They read her lack of confidence.
More than anything I hope it might give her an anchor in the community; something that none of them has managed to achieve in the 20 or so months they have been here. (The lad has an extra life here on the farm but even that is not connecting him to kids his own age, or sports teams, or neighbourhood activities.)
 |
| Fergus - the emergency anchor. |
you have described to a T my oldest son and his wife. their entire 27 years have been just what you said here. I fear yours will continue to be what and who they are because it is who they are..
ReplyDeletewhen we moved in this house, in 1989, we had our other home contents all in one truck before went to bed the next night. oldest son was scheduled to simply get in a loaded truck, we had two vehicles loaded and the big rental truck, he only had to follow us 50 miles and help with the heavy lifting, he was 24, we were 44 and 52 and did three times the unloading he did.. he is still the same wany and married a woman of his own ilk...
We know you are right. SiL has ADHD. Now that she understands what it is that has made her not fit the mold all her life she can talk about how she is - calls it 'lack of executive function'. She can achieve hyper-focus on the things that are her passion but can't achieve basic order in her life. She also gets sensory overl8ad and has meltdowns so has learned to withdraw to a dark quiet place when here are too many competing thoughts going on. It has helped us understand neuro-diversity in the wider population (and our family) and that family certainly has some elements of it. The lad is currently undergoing tests to determine possible reasons for developmental delay.
DeleteHari OM
ReplyDeleteSo difficult to really walk in the footsteps of those who have been displaced due to trauma of any form - and when that includes the shifting of continents, languge and culture, there are bound to be behavioural abberations. The neighbourliness you and others like you and yours have offered can never go astray, even if in the moment it appears unappreciated. YAM xx
We aren't sure the trauma that displaced them wasn't in fact their own (drug addiction and domestic violence, a family history of mental health issues) and an opportunity arose to be settled overseas....They came from Iran where the family had been settled for 2 generations. They haven't found any common ground with the Afghan families being settled in this community - most of whom are thriving and connecting well.
DeleteHeavens to Betsy, what a family. Thank goodness they had you and Bro to get them going. But they need a permanent manager to get them up and into daily reality.
ReplyDeleteHope your influence helps the 14 year old. Sounds as though she desperately needs a guiding hand.
SiL is part of a group of volunteers who work with the social and welfare team that get the refugee families settled. These guys had gone through 2 case workers and a couple of volunteers before SiL was asked to hold the fort while a new caseworker was allocated. It's her determination to see it through after she and Bro picked the kid up off the street outside a pub near midnight one night and decided he needed some continuity (and a firm hand) to get his life on track. He is motivated by being allowed to come and visit the dogs. Once she got him to understand that attending school was not optional he actually started to progress at school and now comes here each day ready to answer the question "what was the best thing about school today?" Remarkably it is usually 'numbers'
DeleteWhere would they be without you and others like you to help them? I hope they manage to settle and organise themselves. Most people would give their eye teeth to move into a brand new house.
ReplyDeleteWhat a day! After reading that I feel I must take a nap for four days! Good little Fergus!!1
ReplyDelete